If you let it fade away, you're doing it wrong.

I just came to the conclusion that NOTHING should fade away. Of course I had a reason to be thinking about that. I was thinking about how meaningless this fading away thing makes our experiences. We should be loud and honest, voice our sentiments and fight for them, we shouldn't settle for a peaceful closure. Does that make any sense? Feelings can't just be put to rest, so why do we do that? Why do we settle for saying the good and the bad stuff we lived with someone can be forgotten in favor of a peaceful coexistence? That's bullshit! Feelings don't just disappear! If I ever hurt someone I once loved, I'd rather have them hating me than forgetting I exist. We have absolutely no right of banishing someone we once loved from our minds. That's cruel! Sometimes I thought that was happening to me, that I just didn't care enough about someone to even think about him (I actually wrote about it here), and now I see that was my defense against being forgotten first. Turns out I was forgotten, and I can't figure out why, I can't understand how such strong feelings are there one day and on the next they vanish. I know I'm not making any sense now, I'm sorry. I'm just so angry! To me, this feels like being told I'm worthless by one of the people I loved most in my life. Isn't that sad and pathetic? Not even being worth a thought of someone who once thought about you every day? It really makes me feel like nothing we lived had any meaning. So, please, you who are reading this, don't ever do that to anyone, acknowledge people's existence, even if it's to tell them they hurt you and you hate them. Don't ever let them feel they never meant anything to you. Unless you want to torture them. If that's the case, go for it, there's no better way to make someone suffer. With a single blow you hurt them and make them doubt themselves.

And now a nice picture of a Great White shark to stop me from being so bitter.

Mmm, and what would you say of having some Magne here now too?

YES! YES! The cutest picture of Magne ever to keep us calm and make us happy... Well, turns out life's still good. Seriously, just look at this!

The chain that keeps me linked to my anchor

There's one thing in this world I'm never going to regret: Magne Furuholmen. He's not my safe-place anymore, he gave me (or maybe showed me) one inside myself. I tattooed "mf" on my wrist and people think I'm nuts, but they just don't get it. More than a way of showing my love and commitment to my role model, it's a reminder... I don't look at it and think about Magne every damn time. I look at it when I need to be reminded of my strength, that shit happens, but that at the end of the day I'll get home, I'll cry if I need to, and Magne's work will be there waiting for me to listen to it while I reinvent myself. That's my favorite thing about Magne: when I think about him, I can see what's good in me.

Esses pensamentos que ficam voltando...

Já há algum tempo venho percebendo que a relação mais satisfatória que tenho é com uma antiga paixão platônica que acabou se tornando meu amigo. Pois é, parece muito idiota dizer isso, mas eu 'tava com saudade de vir aqui e postar qualquer coisa, abri um rascunho e era isso que estava na minha cabeça.

Sério, acho que satisfatória nem é a palavra certa aqui. Gratificante? Plena? Eu fico pensando em "fulfulling", mas parece que nenhuma das traduções são boas o bastante para traduzir o sentimento em questão.

E aí hoje percebi que o motivo dessa amizade ser tão fulfilling é que não espero nada dele, não crio expectativas, não cobro. Sinto vontade de falar alguma besteirinha melosa, falo, não fico pensando que ele vai me julgar. Se ele ri, eu digo que sou assim mesmo e que ele é uma graça e merece um beijo na bunda! HAHA

Gostaria muito de ser assim com todos, não cobrar nem esperar nada de ninguém, gostar por gostar, ser capaz de satisfazer o meu apego com uma simples conversa, sem uma grande necessidade da presença. Venho trabalhando nisso, mas parece que por enquanto esse privilégio vai ser só dele. Bem, continuemos, tenho certeza que ele vai acabar me ensinando a deixar isso se espalhar para todos os meus relacionamentos. Esse menino é uma verdadeira inspiração! 1bj na bunda, seu Ragnar-wanna-be!